Thinking about my own gender identity is nothing new to me. I've always wondered about my own femaleness-and-or-maleness, and how it fits into the queer community in general. But with a Women's Studies class I've started to take this fall at my cc (which seems to emphasize femme empowerment) and Femme 2010: No Restrictions, a conference put on by The Femme Collective, I've been thinking about it a whole lot lately.
I love femmes. I love the idea of redefining the feminine identity into something that is powerful and sexy. I love that feminists and women all over are taking the traits traditionally described as "weak" or "inferior" to their masculine counterparts and giving them new credibility and importance. Still, the more I think about it, the more I realize: I am not a femme.
Am I in any way particularly masculine, I wonder? No, not really. I like going out on madcap adventures as much as the next stupid kid, but I also like to stay in and crochet a hat, or a read a good book. I don't think of my body as radiating sexuality and confidence; if I wear short skirts and lipstick, I'm more likely to do it in order to achieve an aesthetic effect than to attract anyone.
I don't feel like a femme in relationships, either. I feel itchy and uncomfortable when someone holds the door open for me, covers the dinner check, tells me I'm "beautiful", or in any way treats me "like a girl". But I can't see myself taking on a particularly masculine role in a relationship, either; the idea of protecting a girl with a display of overt masculinity just seems silly to me (not that I wouldn't try and find other ways of protecting her). Where does that put me?
I remember going to a queer conference a few years ago, and attending a workshop on femme empowerment. One of the exercises involved us writing on sticky notes what we loved best and hated least about being a femme in culture, and sticking them on two separate sides of the room. Many of the girls stated that they loved wearing dresses, doing their hair, and wearing makeup as reasons to love being femme. It bothered me because these reasons seemed shockingly superficial.
I don't feel like a femme in relationships, either. I feel itchy and uncomfortable when someone holds the door open for me, covers the dinner check, tells me I'm "beautiful", or in any way treats me "like a girl". But I can't see myself taking on a particularly masculine role in a relationship, either; the idea of protecting a girl with a display of overt masculinity just seems silly to me (not that I wouldn't try and find other ways of protecting her). Where does that put me?
I remember going to a queer conference a few years ago, and attending a workshop on femme empowerment. One of the exercises involved us writing on sticky notes what we loved best and hated least about being a femme in culture, and sticking them on two separate sides of the room. Many of the girls stated that they loved wearing dresses, doing their hair, and wearing makeup as reasons to love being femme. It bothered me because these reasons seemed shockingly superficial.
I'm hoping I'll learn more about how gender-ambiguous people fit into the feminist schema, and how we "gender-queers" find confidence in being both masculine and feminine.
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